Rhi Axtell – Writer

I have finished week one of The Artist’s Way.

Every day I have dutifully written three morning pages in my notebook – sometimes writing so frantically that my hand aches by the end of it. I took myself on an artist date – doing a puzzle and watching a series of Dimension 20 that I was severely behind on. I did a few of the tasks of the week, including listing out ‘bad guys’ who have stumped my creative process in the past. I also wrote short stories about those bad guys, about how they have ‘wounded’ me.

For example, the tutor on my Masters Course who described my writing as ‘below undergraduate level’. That one stung. I didn’t realise how much it stung until I found myself writing it out, with gritted teeth, followed with an ‘I’LL SHOW YOU!’ in capital letters. Turns out, I have carried around this little dagger in my heart all this time. My Masters course was ten years ago. Who knew?

It has been a week of ups and downs. I have thought the whole thing a waste of time. I have thought it the answer to all my problems. I have also fallen right into the traps I told myself I wouldn’t.

On the first page of chapter two, Cameron talks about self-attacks as self-doubt creeps in. Here is a quote of her describing one of these self attacks:

“Okay, so now I need to plan something big and do it right away!“

About three-quarters of the way through week one, I remember excitedly describing a new children’s book series to my wife.

“It’s easy to write and more formed than my current novel,” I told her, positively frothing at the mouth. “I am going to drop my current project and start this one right away. I could probably have two books written before the end of the year. Maybe more!”

My wife looked at me with what can best be described as extreme scepticism.

And she is right to do so. It turns out, self-doubt is alive and well in my brain.

I am not dropping my novel. I have written down the other idea and put it safely in my ‘ideas’ folder. I can explore it more another day.

I am starting week two, titled ‘Recovering a Sense of Identity’, with determination, but I can see that I have a long way to go. I can’t rush this, unfortunately. I do love to rush.

See you tomorrow.