Rhi Axtell – Writer

I’m sitting in my counsellor’s small room at the back of her garden. An electric fireplace, one with those fake plastic ‘coals’ to simulate a real fire, is belting out heat, a striking contrast to the cold, December weather outside. We sit across from each other in black leather chairs. I’m trying to focus on how I am sitting. I don’t want to mirror her calm, cross-legged pose, as I tend to mirror people when I am anxious. I plant my feet firmly on the ground, ignoring the urge to cross my legs too.

“How many creative projects do you have going on right now?” she asks me.

Immediately, I am hit by a wave of shame. I know the answer isn’t good. It isn’t the right answer. A small part of me wants to lie, but that isn’t going to get me anywhere. We’ve already talked about how good I am at lying earlier in the session.

“I recently counted them, but stopped once I hit thirty,” I say with a grimace. Thirty artistic projects. Each one started with a flash of enthusiasm, each one whispering the promise that this one would be the one I completed. Each one abandoned less than a week later.

“Have you considered that you don’t finish your projects because if a project is unfinished then it isn’t technically failed?” my counsellor asks. “And that way, you don’t have to engage with your fear of failure?”

Frustratingly, she is spot on. She is spot on and I’ve crossed my legs to mirror her. It’s a complete disaster.

***

What’s the next step?

Clearing. Tidying. Sorting. This is how I am beginning the final month of 2024. I’m packing away my half-finished projects, my half-baked ideas, and I am focusing on one. My novel. You know, that thing I keep saying I am writing all the time? Yes, that one.

It turns out my low self-esteem is getting in the way of things again. I am clearing a space, starting an artistic timetable where I set aside a few hours per day to work on it. Slow and steady. Bit by bit. All those cliche sayings.

I didn’t realise how much I was getting in my own way. It turns out the answer is a lot. Let’s hope that this new way of working can help me out of this rut.

No more new projects! If you see me write about one, please feel free to leave an angry comment. Sometimes I forget.

See you next time.